I love award shows. My favorite are the Oscars and of course the Grammy’s. I turn them off if they get too political, but lately they haven’t been all that political. Sure politics is peppered in there, but it’s tolerable and it doesn’t take away from the entertainment.
So many people paid tribute to Kobe Bryant. His passing is so shocking, so much so that Lizzo did not want to do any interviews. She was so upset. The Grammys was held in the Staple Center. The mood was somber and the artists took a moment to remember Kobe. Music is a healer for hard times. I was glad to see Billie Ellish win a Grammy. Usher’s tribute to Prince was amazing! Demi Lovato’s performance shook me to the core. I got chills. Gwen and Blake my relationship goals.
One thing though, about music these days is that it has changed. I feel a little removed from it. I much prefer music from the past the 90s-early 2000s. I still try to stay up-to-date on the new artists and top songs, and if I like something I will add it to my Spotify playlist.
My schedule is different this semester. Last semester my weekends started on Thursday afternoons after CMU. This semester my weekends start at 7:10pm after Ethics class on Thursday. This week was so busy. I am ready for the weekend. I did have a paper to write at some point over the weekend, but I wanted to take some time for self-care. I feel like I am in need of a little rest. I don’t want to use this medium of expression to complain, but I was in need of a little pause.
This probably the most awkward post I have ever had to write. They say everyone has a past. Everyone has a complicated past or a complicated ex, or situation. There is one person who stands out to me. We never really found that closure and always found ourselves going back to one, another.
I went to RMU in the evening to meet with John and pick up a scarf that a workstudy made for me.
I love when my students make stuff for me. The color is amazing. I asked her to please make me a grey one as well.
I got my table set up with John’s computer to swipe in the students, who were coming to the magician event. I took a seat at the table and waited for the students to arrive. I was browsing my phone, and I checked my Instagram. I wanted to see who saw my stories about my scarf!
Then I noticed, I had a direct message notification. I tapped the notifciation and then the screen opened a direct message from my past, the ex, the complicated situation. He sent me an emjoi of him waving his hand. I took a deep breath. I wanted to say so many things. I started to text then I hit backspace. I started to text again. Then I hit back space. Then I thought of the only logical thing I could say to him, “Please leave me alone.” I hit send. I think that phrase was going to have to be good enough. Sure, it wasnt all that I wanted to say, but I can’t go down that rabbit hole, of wanting to unpack the past. I just can’t. He sent me the thumbs up emjoii. I blocked him.
As soon as this happened, I called Drew and told him. He was glad that I told him and that I did what I did. I even sent him a screen shot of the proof. He was grateful. I couldn’t explain to my husband, how much of a struggle it was just to send that simple phrase. My ego was ignited. He was still trying to talk to me. I might be able to talk to Drew(my husband) about it. I know my mom would understand, and my bestfriend.
After the event, I went home. I called my mom on the way home. Anthony, my best friend was on the way home from work and wasn’t able to talk right away. My mom definitely undersood where I was coming from and my urge to unpack the past. She was glad i didn’t respond with anything else except “Please leave me alone.” I told her how hard it was and I would type then hit back space. Type, then hit back space. My mom said, I did the right thing.
Anyone else experience this confliction? How did you handle it?
This morning at CMU, I attend the Hate Crimes Forum. Judy Shepard was one of the key note speakers. Judy Shepard is the mother of Matthew Shepard. I was 11 when Matthew Shepard was murdered. I remember seeing the headlines on TV. When I was younger my dad always had the news on, so I was very aware of the current events and what was happening in the world.
My generation is the last generation to really remember Matthew Shepard’s murder and the manner in which he passed. his death was a turning point in the LGBTQIA+ community. Judy is a quiet person, and the president of the Matthew Shepard foundation asked Judy a couple of questions about her son, how he passed, and the mission of the Matthew Shepard Foundation.
I was so honored to be in the same room with her. I was shook by her message and the things that she said, and the pain she had to endure I can’t imagine it. It is so sad.
The panel discussions that happened before Judy spoke were informative. The second one more so, because it talked about various microaggressions. The first panel was law related, but still interesting.
It was a pretty heavy day. I am glad I was able to experience the forum.
Today is the 17th anniversary of 9/11. I knew exactly where I was when I heard news of the first plane hitting the world trade center. I was 14 years old and in my 8th grade English class. When Mr. Gabor, my history teacher, came into my classroom and told my teacher privately that a plane crashed into the World Trade Center. My English teacher allowed us to go into Mr. Gabor’s classroom to watch the television coverage. I remember being a little scared, but what are the odds that anything would happen to our school?
One by one, students were called down to the office. Parents were arriving to pick up their children and take them home. I was one of those children. My mom called the school and said she was going to pick up me and my best friend Amber. When my mom, arrived we got into her car and she took us to my Aunt and Uncle’s house where we spent the day hanging out and watching the news until my mom could pick us up after work. It was such a weird day. I don’t think Amber and I really understood what was going on at the time and how serious this was. Amber and I were typical 14-year-old girls, obsessed with pop music and boys.
In a way, I can’t believe it is 17 years and other ways it feels like it was just yesterday. I was watching the footage today of people jumping from buildings. I was sickened. I thought to myself, why wasn’t this important to me at 14? Well, it doesn’t matter, it is now.
For the longest time, the public, and or the media coined the phrase, “We will never forget.” I think some people have forgotten. We can see it in the treatment of others. I don’t know that is just my observation. I have class tonight, but I wanted to dedicate something to 9/11.
Do you remember where you were when you first heard about the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, or the field in Somerset PA?
This week was so intense. I have had much better weeks, but I am okay. I have been suffering from the learning curve this week, and I have had so many reminders of things that I am still learning and need to remember for the future. Melanie has been in touch with me and I have been checking things off my list with her.
On top of all this, Nancy is out on vacation and so is my supervisor. I am on my own. Thankfully, the division administrator is here. She and I had an impromptu meeting about the events of the week and she said, they were good learning experiences. We had a nice chat and I feel so much better now. I am glad I can talk to her. I have a little agenda for Phyllis when I talk to her on Monday. I will be so happy when tomorrow gets here because it will be Friday!
Yesterday, Wynn came down to see me and she talked me down off the ledge as always. She is the best. She really is such a great person and is always there for me to learn from and to vent to. She helped me with a few things and I am just truly grateful for her. I was going to call her and ask her to come down, but she was there first thing in the morning. She must have a radar. I checked out of here at my normal time, since I had work study. I went to the gym did some running and walking, and machines. Then home, to eat a potato and be a slug.
Today, I just feel so much better. I really do. I feel like I can slow down and forgive myself and not be too hard on myself, and just learn from my mistakes. I read this morning, that Mercury is in retrograde, so that means that there are going to be some miscommunications, and technology might fail. This is going to last until August 19th. Tiger’s eye is good for protection. I know you may think oh my goodness, Danielle you are crazy! ( at least that is what my mom said…) No, I am very spiritual. I won’t say that I not uber religious, but there is some truth to spirituality I believe in it. There is a supernatural world out there, and honestly, it sort of makes sense to me, and I find myself I am drawn to reading about it and learning about it.
This afternoon, it has been okay. I feel refreshed and rebooted. This evening, I am going to pick up the house a little and get ready for my parents to come over tomorrow. We are going to have a movie night. I will have more for you later.
This is probably the most serious blog post I will ever do, or have ever done. It is a call to mental health. Today, Kate Spade was found dead by apparent suicide. She hung her self from a scarf, that was tied to her doorknob. For those of you, who do not know who Kate Spade was, she was a fashion designer and husband to Andy Spade, who co-founded the Kate Spade brand.
Kate Spade’s collection is known for bold colors, flirty, and classy prints and designs. I own quite of few things that are Kate Spade. She was my favorite designer. I was saddened by the news of her death. I immediately turned to the internet and found out some interesting information. Kate Spade New York issued a statement on CNN.com, “Although Kate has not been affiliated with the brand for more than a decade, she and her husband and creative partner, Andy, were the founders of our beloved brand.” I was shocked by this. I hadn’t realized that she was involved anymore with her brand anymore. I do remember reading something somewhere that Coach bought her out. All the articles have read things like she suffered with business decisions, her marriage was a mess; he wanted a divorce and she didn’t etc. Whatever the reason, it is not worth it to end one’s life.
Kate Spade New York issued this statement:
Please if you are struggling, and you need to speak to someone, it is never too late to seek help. No one is ever too far gone.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources.]